I wasn't fortunate enough to get a michael jackson poster but I did get myself a PC.

Have you checked out my music page yet?

myspace.com/conundrumofnuclearthought


Take a listen.

Some lyrics I wrote for Wakiza

Bio-Death City:

Soon to be another city in this city and in this town another town unless we take full opposition and bring all Scripps projects down. We'll have to stand strong enough to defeat this corporate beast or soon enough they'll start strapping us into their seats. Placing you in there biotech city to assigned suburban homes and just like the tortured animals ,they'll leave you to die alone.

Fuckin up and tearin down the ecosystem in our town
developers deaf to the sound of our workings underground
Too ignorate to hear our plans or see the value within this land

We'll fuck it up and tear it down
NO bio-tech in our town.


They'll try to make you believe that they care for your well being by searching for these 'cures' to dieseas but this company fules on corruption and greed- and some may be too blind to see that they've been consuming the coporate feed. You're hoped up on all their GMO's and biopharmaceutiacal meds not realizing they'll take all your money and leave you for dead.



Fuckin up and tearin apart a tested, tourtured creatures hearts
reseachers doing their part- wearing their blinders from the start
Can't see the eyes or hear the cries of their "product"- an animals life.

We'll fuck it up and tear it down
NO bio-tech in our town.



IN SEARCH FOR THE CURE
the most cancerous - coruption
but knowing it's their backbone they'll probably never find one.
So we'll find one that dismisses their needs for vivisection by protesting and ressurecting all the minds that they've disected- from the innocent animals to brainwashed people we'll let this town know their process is evil. We won't tolerate their foul actions or except their filthy rewards THERE IS NO TIME FOR PEACE IN THIS TIME OF WAR

I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.

While I was behind the counter checking out 'The Hangover' to almost every yuppie that walked into my work today I could have been a part of a counter-protest against The Westboro Baptist Church. Those fascist fucks. I'm glad everybody else was able to make it though....and make the paper.

For some reason I remember this mildly disturbing me up until the age of 13.

A blanket....you can wear.
Why didn't I think of that?
Al roker, get out of here with your wizard-cult lookin ass.

These are the types of things that are fascinating to the masses.
Curse this foul place.
We as plague, as conscious parasitic filth will never die.
There is no cure.


Woah.
Seriously metal.

I'm not quite sure what the fuck I'm doing.
For a split second I thought I did and then it disappeared.
I suppose I could just be getting a little too excited about all of this.

Calm down.

I've been listening to my songs over and over and over.

I'm trying to block out the fact that I was the one to record and perform this music and listen to it as if I am just some random person listening to someone elses music.

Obviously I have found this to be completely impossible.

I feel immensly accoplished on my recordings and what I have done but there is something missing.

http://www.myspace.com/conundrumofnuclearthought

I've done it now.
Put my heart and soul all over the web.

I want to re-meet you but I may be getting my hopes up.
I always do.

I acquired a pair of tap shoes, exactly my size at goodwill the other day for 5 bucks.
Recently I've been considering taking some performance to the street.
I've been thinking about street performance for awhile now but I don't really want to do it alone.
I've busked here and there but I want something legitimate.
Real musicians who have the same ideas in performance as I do.
Anthony and Paul seem like realistic candidates for this but being that I'm not that great at the instruments I play and the music I write I'm not so sure they would want to work with me.
Plus I haven't done tap since I was 10.
The only thing I've got is my singing but I don't want to be a puppet.
It would be easy for me to just sing someone elses music but I'm not into that.
I suppose all I can do is keep trying to write (which is becoming impossible) and have some awesome people to work with. I'd love to be a performer.....get-up and all. It's the only thing I've been good at since I was a child. My insecurities have become immense these past few months and I can't seem to find an escape.
I find (sadly) that a lot of my creativity comes from feeding off of anothers and recently since I've moved back in with my mother I'm not around any sort of creativity.

Maybe I don't need anybody to work with.....maybe I really just need to work with myself.
Shit.

Which reminds me....I'll never be as good.

Abu doesn't care that she's fat.

Plus this picture makes her look slimming.
Celebrate 19!
She's an old hag but she's still got it.
I'm glad being 19 doesn't make me an old hag too.
And even if it did....I'd still have it just as much as she does.

I spent hours last night looking at anatomy inspired artwork.
I had dreams of tissue, muscles and brains, bleeding beating hearts and tangled veins.
And bones and bones and bones.
Anatomical images have taken over my body(ha!) and even my subconscious.
It's wonderful.

Fuck you with your logic.

I managed to pull two songs out of my ass within a two month period while I was living at the northpole and now I'm here, in Jupiter and I can't write for shit. I'm completely unmotivated. I've a got a television and the computer keeping me from doing the things I really want to be doing. I'm facing a mere identity crisis as of late and I'm not quite sure what the fuck I'm to do about it. I want to believe this is a phase and I'll get over this uncomfortable state but it feels never ending. Alot of people tell me 'I've been awkward since 19' and others telling me 'Yeah I remember 19, I've changed alot." Maybe my problem is that I'm looking too far into it and I'm not just letting it be....I'm not letting anything be. I keep over analyzing everything and I'll catch myself doing it but then my logic is interrupted with more over analyzing. "That was weird that I did that- but who cares maybe it wasn't-oh fuck but i bet it was".

I was coming out of that awkwardness when I was around alot of people a few months ago living at the northpole.
New folks always coming in and out. A chance to have actual human interaction with a community of people with common interests and whom of which I felt i was learning alot from.
Maybe thats why I was able to write my songs and able to feel comfortable-although I wouldn't call that entire situation COMFORTABLE, by any means...and not just physically but mentally as well but I suppose comfort in your own skin often comes from places of discomfort. It makes sense.
A struggle may not necessarily be comfortable but it'll sure as hell set you in your own skin.
You become comfortable knowing whats making you itch- and right now it's this sun burn.
This is getting repetitive and off track.

Words.words.words.words.words.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.
I guess everybody goes a little insane sometimes.
I wish someone would have warned me it would have been at 19.

This medicine is running me into insomnia....at the same time it's making me fatigue.

It gets worse every night.

It's 6am and I've got a feeling I won't be sleeping at all.

I'm housesitting and I lost one of this womans cat's.

I hope she comes back.

Cat's are mysterious.

They know something we don't....or they've got the capablility to.

I'm waiting for a connection.

One that seems hopeless at this point.

It's about damn time the sun came up.

Viva Le Vox , love those dudes.
But they've got some serious groupie bitches....ugh.
This is Anthony and I...being cute.

I have nothing else.

I find myself wondering more and more why the fuck I'm having such a hard time making connections with people.
I also wonder why people with such confidence in what they believe hold so much trust in me.
Because I'm capable of making eye contact?
More often than not that's what seems to draw people in.....but I feel like I've been deceiving.

She has as eyes like two planets

& rolls them around me

but i am no sunbeam

nor statue to liberty

surfaced from rockface

like gators from rivers

near purple heart highways

What what what?

Where was I?

Better yet, where am I?

Sirens hardly sound at home.
It's so easy to forget that tragedies happen every day.
Ignorance?
Yeah, unfortunately.
Part of me doesn't give a shit.
Ignorance?
Yeah, unfortunately.


I'm not a musician nor am I a writer.
I'm not so sure I feel comfortable with this.....show that I'm about to preform.
Shit.
I wonder sometimes about how many musicians write about actual occurrences and how many are just story tellers?
Either way...it's better than what I've got.


I thought i was okay with being alone.
I'm not.
My bones and my muscles and my skin aches in lonely desperation.
I wonder if this cat feels the same way?
I'd believe it.
She'll practically beg for affection and once it's given to her she never wants it to end.
Well until of course she's bored with it.
That's just how it goes I guess?

I'll spend hours and days and months daydreaming.
I get lost in it all.
I start to believe things I've daydreamed are reality.
Am I dead?

I need to do something.
I woke up this morning with that same familiar worthless feeling.


I wasn't trusted.
And there it was....like a shot to the head.
But I survived.

Come one, come all